magicmorgan said: Where did the idea that losing your virginity is not supposed to hurt originate? I was not told that it would hurt prior to losing my virginity but it was a painful experience for me. Later I learned that it is typical for women to experience pain when having sex for the first time. Now I am reading on the internet that this should not be the case, but I don't know if I've heard that from any actual reliable sex educators. Where is this information coming from?
I assume that when you say you’re hearing this on the internet, you’re referring to this article that we reposted earlier today from our sister blog, Spicy Gear. The article is mainly about why the myth of virginity is harmful to women, and presents some very real facts and statistics about women having sex for the first time. In fact, it mostly deals with the social implications of the idea of virginity, not with a typical first experience. Why? Because there is no typical first experience.
The statistics tell us that 63% of women DON’T experience any discomfort. But is it uncommon for women to have pain? No, definitely not. By that statistic, 37% of women do feel pain. That’s a lot of women! No one is trying to say that this makes you weird or odd. We’re actually just trying to dissuade another myth.
That article was written in response to a myth that many of us grew up with: women have been told having sex their first time would be incredibly painful. And if it wasn’t painful for you, there was something wrong—either it wasn’t truthfully your first time having sex, or your vagina was too loose, an undesirable quality. The fact is, that myth was started to keep women from having sex until they were married, essentially using fear to control what women do with their bodies.
And Spicy Gear isn’t the first place to write about this. Check out this article by Scarleteen— a very reliable source for sex education. Or this one by a doctor at About.com Or this one from the International Women’s Health Organization.
There’s also a great book about the concept of virginity and purity called The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti that talks more about why the idea of virginity harms young women. Check it out!
If having sex for the first time was painful to you, it could be for a lot of different reasons. You could have a very tight hymen. You may not have been sufficiently lubricated, or, if your partner was inexperienced, they could have hurt you by accident. The article mentions all of these things— and all of them are very common problems that get fixed with experience.
The truth is, there are many different ways to have sex for the first time. And everyone has a different experience. We’re sorry to hear that yours was very painful, and we hope things will get easier for you in the future if you decide to continue having sex.